paraphases

the house i live in is like perma in darkness cause we have to save electricity. as much as i don't like being under bright lights, i don't like to be in constant darkness as well. and i heard that some country has a high suicide and depression rate because all year round or most of it, the place's in total darkness.

ohwells i suppose.

i was just looking at the hong kong drama my grandmother was watching as i ate lunch. and i can't help but feel that it's something that's for people that's got too much time on their hands, it can't be something worth watching. everything is too faked. it's all too staged and planned. the actors' angles are too forward, smiles too radiant, the pauses too perfect, make up so overdone and just everything. i'm watch and within 20 seconds, i lose all interest. other than the overplanned drama that's stiched into it, there's nothing even the least bit entertaining.

and i suppose this relates back to how i'm so tired of faking smiles. but that i've established long ago.

i'm thinking of analogies i suppose. and i guess what i feel like now is of a bottle that fills up without you knowing then with the smallest crack, everything falls out. and i'm so exhausted all over again.

'do you think you're trying your hardest?'
'i think i'm trying the hardest at not stressing out'

that split second impulsive answer says it all i suppose.
that i'm filled with fear. that i can't do this.
that i hate myself.

ohwells.

We've learned to run from
Anything uncomfortable
We've tied our pain below and no one ever has to know
That inside we're broken
I tried to patch things up again
To cut my tears and kill my fears

i just got my midterm marks yesterday and it simply makes me tired and pissed off. i have no idea how to make my english mark better because i have no idea how my teacher freaking thinks. to me there is no logic to what she thinks and does, all she knows is to threaten people so they would listen to her. for math i'm simply screwed, it's not like i don't know my stuff, it's not like i'm not trying ths time round but gosh, i'm barely passing. but i keep on telling myself it's all carelessness and whatever crap. i can do it but i simply am.. not. bio pisses me off, ladeeda. period.

at leat geog is going on fine i suppose.

i'm sick of the mind set that i'm stuck with, that i can do anything as long as i'm trying hard enough when whatever i'm doing is never enough. that ends up with me kicking myself over the smallest things, never letting myself relax or think otherwise. people here are so relaxed about things, they're okay with staying another year to get better marks but of me no. i have to move on or i'll be feeling in adequate.

someone save me.
someone kill me.

._.

i feel like dropping bio altogether. i feel like doing arts now. just arts all the way. but i can't. there's no way i can compete with people who have already set their sights on that.

i want to stop trying. now.
i want to give up.

I was told that I used to be a 'happy girl'

Do please tell me where she went, but I'm not even sure
Of her past existence at all. But I think, I used to smile more
Not like now, when to me my face is expressionless but is
Told that I look like I'm permanently pissed.

Before you used to stress and push me towards 'independence'
Easing me into primary school with nary an anxious expression.
Leaving me in a safe environemt but a place completely unfamiliar
I remember parents lining the outside of classrooms, they were there
Even after three weeks and had to be told by the school to leave
Volatility of a calm assurance that you weren't in the crowd helped me
Evade the need to find you in the parent and children that was always so messy

Always pushed to achieve what I've never once achieved
Not because I've done it at least once and knew I could
You gave me the mentality that I can do anything
Or if I can't, it's simply a matter of me not trying hard enough
Not that I can't do it
Even if I've never once been able to accomplish it

Competently, I grew up always looking at my work
Always wanting to be the perfect little girl
Never able to tell myself to simply stop and give up

So tell me now, aren't you proud of me?
After all I've done, dealing with all of life's stress
Veering off away from looking at you for comfort
Eating into myself for never able to achieve what you sought

My life as it is now, I am not looking for another to help me
Even if my life is falling into pieces

Since I grew up to never depend, I don't know how
Afterall, you've stressed it to me from young to now
Vindicated you are because ultimately it's what I have to be
Even if your lesson went wrong and I dont' know how to think differently

Memories are hard to die
Each that I remember I'm still crying and asking why.

simple blind faith and trust
more than anything to know that if you fall
someone will catch you

but even when you know there's a mat down there
you're afraid to fall back
who said a person is more stable than a stationary mat?

i wish someone can hold my hand and just run
i want to know what's it's like to run faster than you can
by yourself.

i'm invisible.

it's only yesterday that i think he promised that he'd be there, he'd be my 'best friend' that emotionally it's boundless, even if physically we're restrained. already i feel like i have no place at all in his or anyone's life.

i don't know what to say. aren't i just somthing expendable? someone that you can care for if you have the time, and if you need to use someone there you go i'm that someone. and i'm someone you can care for if you want to experiment caring for someone.
i am simply so expendable.

perhaps i'm just being cynical, but whatever.

i've been youtubing 'violin' just for the heck of it. and i never knew the violin can sound so beautiful.
i with i had a dream, an aspiration, anything more than just wanting to keep on running from where i am now.

i'd like to be loved, not just liked. if that's possible.

I can't sleep now, no, not like I used to
I can't breathe in and out like I need to
It's breaking ice.. now, to make any movement
What's your vice? you know that mine's the illusion
And all at once (as i'm trying) I can help you out (
just to keep things right)
I'll be what you need (I kill myself to make
everything perfect for ya)
Goodbye apathy, so long apathy

what i want more than ever is a best friend. but at the same time, i don't want anyone to care. i'm just someone that's not ever meant to mean enough, so there's no need to burden yourself with me. and also, i don't believe that i'll ever mean enough to you that you'll always care. i guess after sec four, i can only see myself as someone as one that's just going to get in the way and i'll never mean enough, so no need to bother because there will always be someone else who means more than me that'll need you. and i'll never mean enough to you or long enough that you'll be able to care long enough, can you stand to bare the guilt or responsibility that i might break and fall apart again because i've come to rely on you? do you actually want this kind of a burden? are you stupid enough?

do you know why i spend lunch alone everyday? do you know why i chose this? because it's going to take too much energy to try and find one. besides, it won't last, so i don't even want to try. or rather i tried, and it wore me out enough to not want to try again.

besides, if one's back into a corner with no way out, he/she will definitely try to find a way out because he/she will be desperate enough.

i was told today that, life will turn out alright in the end because you're alive. but there are idiots and weak people like me that simply wish for life to end.

i was told once that i'm 'nice'. i want to be more than that. i want to be someone you can love.

sometimes i think that the best thing i can do for myself is to get a bf, boyfriend, best friend.
problem is, i no longer believe or no longer can define a 'best friend'.

i think, i want my dog. it'd be nice to be able to go home everyday and see that someone's evidently happy you're alive and there. it'd be nice to be able to wake up everyday and feel another warm body you can hug instead of waking up shivering.

Grey skies clouding up the things we used to see with wide eyes
Maybe everything was meant to be this way
Will it ever change
Or are we stuck here on our own

I know every last regret inside of me is my own
The way I hold them close has made me be this way
I will never change
I know I'm stuck here on my own, my own

-
hello stranger <3
i'll be okay.
it's not like it can be any other way.

friends only

till maybe one unfortunate day in which i feel that i should make it public.

through passing days and night
the rose dried.

well, obviously.

who knows,
vii